TULOBA: Out of the Silent Vagina

The following is an excerpt from my soon-to-be-published misrememoir, The Unbearable Lightness of Being Awesome.

Chapter 1: Out of the Silent Vagina

It was a dark and fuzzy blight. It took up at least two-thirds of my field of vision. I immediately thought to myself, What in the hell is a blight? Then I thought, What in the hell is a thought? That led to, Who in the hell am I? 

And that’s when I became sentient.

The blight turned out to be a doctor. I forget his name. But I would venture to guess that he was (or is, he could still be working today, for all I know) a fairly capable physician. He had the distinct pleasure of being the first human being to make contact with me (if you don’t count my mother’s womb or my father’s sperm).


I wonder if he realized it at the time, how important he was. It’s doubtful. In my experience, no one really knows the importance of an event at the time the event occurs. Except me, of course. I knew literally seconds after I was born how important I was and every minute of my life was and is and always will be. Amen.


The doctor/blight held me out as my father/overseer used a pair of surgical scissors to savagely slice in twain the fleshy cord connecting me to my mother/prenatal RV. For a few seconds, I harbored resentment towards my father for this action. Why would a man do this to his first born child? Did he not realize that his offspring was already sentient and thus greatly aware of the searing pain that the slicing scissors inflicted upon me? But then I realized that the cord that had been cloven was not my penis. I breathed a sigh of relief and decided never to jump to conclusions (even though I had yet to learn what jumping was or what conclusions were or the correct usage of the words “to”, “too”, and “two”...oddly enough, I was already keenly aware of how a tutu showed off a girl’s butt).


As soon as I realized my penis was intact, I wanted to show it off to everyone. But a nurse wrapped me in a soft blanket, and I started to drift to sleep. Even to this day, a soft blanket will cause me to drift to sleep and will dampen my desire to show my penis off to people. Yes, soft blankets are the bane of my existence.


I vaguely remember the blanket nurse handing me to my mother. I think she said something about how amazing I was (that’s Mom, always stating the obvious). It seems to me that Dad said something too. Probably a quick lesson on the importance of hard work. Whatever happened immediately after that, I can’t tell you. I had become bored and disinterested for the first time.


It would not be the last time.

The Girl Child Amongst The Ruins

Little Jennie had never dealt with alien overlords. So she can't really be blamed for smiling at Glorgnop9. She was simply trying to be nice. It wasn't her fault that he promptly annihilated 63.7% of the Earth's population and proceeded to blow up Venus for good measure. How was she to know that smiling at a Plubieorn was an act equivalent to tricking his grandmother into watching that "Two Girls One Cup" video?

But Jennie was only seven years old, and she took the resulting interstellar war rather hard.

In the early years, after our loss, when our race was struggling to adjust to life as slaves of the Plubieorns, I would sit with her in her prison cell and rock her to sleep every night, gently singing a prog rock tune I had written as a freshman in college. She would just stare blankly into the distance, not registering the musical genius I was openly sharing with her. I would often wonder what she thought of the second verse. Did she think it lacked the emotional oomph that the first verse obviously had in spades? Or was it a nice change of pace for the listener, who would likely be exhausted from the ecstasy they'd experienced in those first few stanzas? But I never could bring myself to ask. This was a hollow shell of a human...and at such a young age.

Then one night, her gaze turned to me. "Leonard," she asked, "Why did they send you to torture me with this angel music?"

At first, my heart rejoiced with her glowing appraisal of my song. Then it sank at the darkness of her appraisal of our situation.

"My dear," I stroked her matted, patchy hair, "No one sent me. This is not a punishment. I offered myself to Glorgnop9 so that I might care for you. I am here of my own accord."

She furrowed her brow. "So..." she struggled, "your song really sounds that bad? I thought they were using their mind machines to warp it in my ears."

I smiled at her, laid her down softly on her bed, covered her emaciated little body with the dirty blanket her father had brought to her the day before he was executed by Plubieorn ritualistic gang rape, and I whispered in her ear, "It's all your fault, you little cunt!"

10 Steps to A Happy Easter

Ahh, Easter...a time for fellowship, worship, eggs, family, and lots of delicious, juicy meat stripped from the bodies of human children.

Facebook From The 90s

Every once in awhile, a portal opens and something small (like a newspaper, a VHS tape, or Danny Devito) slips from one dimension to another. Recently, Squirrel-monkey found this little nugget from a dimension in which Mark Zuckerberg stole the Winklevii's idea while listening to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on the day it was released.

Sh*t Burglars Say

Here's some sketch comedy brought to you by Rey Barrera, Landon Kash, and Nicklaus Louis (me) - three former members of the Non-Retards from "The Poke Show".

The Man With No Name Gets a Hat

I once met a man with no name.

A trucker's hat perched on his mane.
Said, "Fishermen do it
With long poles." I knew it
Would cause him some looks of disdain.

I offered to buy him a hat.
He cursed me, and called me a "Twat!"
But not pronounced "twaht"
Like pot, trot, or squat;
More rhyming with some word like "scat".

He punched me right square in the snoot.
My own hat became easy loot.
He tossed me his old one,
Upon it the bad pun,
And tasked me to fill my poop chute.

25 Bible Factoids

1. The Bible has been translated into over 3,500 languages, including English, Mongolian, and Porpoisese (the language of Dolphin impersonators).

2. Gideon Bibles are placed in hotel rooms and are known as "The Voyeur Bible".

3. The Bible is the only book that ends the same way if you read it backwards.

4. In a poll of mass murderers, serial killers, and schizophrenic assassins The Bible is listed as the third most influential book of all time. The second being “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger, and the first being “Everybody Poops” by Taro Gomi.

5. The shortest verse in The Bible is John 11:35, “Jesus wept.”

6. The longest verse in The Bible is John 11:34, “Jesus waited on hold with AT&T’s customer service department.”

7. Free range Bibles live on a diet consisting mostly of twigs and nutty berries.

8. If you were to stack all of the Bibles in the world on top of each other some asshole would probably come along and knock it over as a joke.

9. God originally planned to call his book “Bow Down Before Me!” but changed it mere days before it went to press based on the advice of his public relations representatives.

10. He also briefly considered writing a sequel called “The Bible 2: Proselytic Boogaloo”.

11. The Bible was the sole guest on the only episode of The Oprah Winfrey show never to be aired. The reason, Oprah sexually harassed The Bible. You can find clips from the episode on YouTube.

12. The Bible has been referred to as “The Word of God”, “The Divine Word”, or simply “The Word”. But any fool can plainly see there is more than one word in it.

13. By Bread Alone™, a restaurant in Boca Raton, FL serves Bible themed dishes such as “The Lamb Chops of God” and the “Five Loaves and Two Fish” platter. The establishment is known for its excellent service, but no matter how prompt the meal is delivered Jewish patrons always complain that their “Messiah Burgers” have yet to be served.

14. In Nineteen-eighty-four, three Ohio children were killed when a defective Bible exploded in a Sunday school classroom.

15. If you drop a Bible from the top of the Empire State Building it will eventually hit the ground.

16. The “Special Extended Edition” of The Bible contains fourteen deleted scenes. But after reading them, you’ll understand why they were cut.

17. Bibles have been known to reproduce in asexual populations.

18. In Nineteen-forty-six, Rayleen Hutchins of Topeka, KS legally married her Bible. They divorced six months later citing “irreconcilable differences”.  In Nineteen-forty-seven, Ms. Hutchins made U.S. legal history when she successfully sued Mr. The Bible for 1.2 million dollars in alimony.

19. Even The Bible was let down by the ending of LOST.

20. Family Bibles often taunt New Testament Bibles about the size of their Psalms.

21. The Bible was the unanimous winner of the first season of “Dancing with The Holy Books.” Though many people feel the competition was rigged and that the Koran was far more sensual in its performance of the “Cha-cha-cha”.

22. Never feed a Bible after midnight.

23. Christians bristle at the use of the term “Bible Factoid” because, as I’m sure you are aware, factoids were invented by a non-Christian, alien race that worshiped the god Oid; who, unlike the Christian God, only had one commandment: “Avoid the Noid”.

24. The Bible was the original choice to portray Atticus Finch in the film version of To Kill a Mockingbird, but turned the part down because it didn’t “get” the title.

25. If you eat a Bible, you gain its knowledge.